How Two Brewers Moon-Landed into the Oval Office: A Tale of Hops, Hope and the Highest Office

This is the second part of our series “Hops & Giggles”. You can call it fan-made fiction or whatever, but I hope it gives you a few laughs!

Bill Shufelt and John Walker, two blokes who loved the golden bubbly but hated the staggering and stumbling, decided to stick their fingers in the beer barrel but pull ’em out all dry, if ya know what I mean. They founded Athletic Brewing, brewing craft beer without the liquor, turning suds into duds. Yeah, you heard me right. They made non-alcoholic beer – the culinary equivalent of a lap dance. But they knew that people like their pints without the punches, their brews without the blues, so they tapped into this market faster than a frat boy on keg duty.

Theirs was a high-flying operation, quite literally. One day, after a board meeting with a few too many “mocktails”, they said, “Why the hell not?” and hopped in a rocket, like a couple of cosmic cowboys. They flew straight to the moon, planting their logo on the lunar surface. The first non-alcoholic brewery to do so. It was one small sip for man, one giant chug for mankind.

From there, Athletic Brewing took off faster than a six-pack at a Super Bowl party. People were drawn to the idea of a good cold one without the morning headache or the nagging spouse. Their business spread across the globe, with sober sippers from Sydney to Siberia toasting their success. They sold more non-alcoholic brews than Coca Cola sold sugar rushes.

Now, you’d think that’d be enough for most folks, right? But no. Not for Bill and John. They looked at their empire of suds and said, “What’s next?”. The answer was as clear as their beers were crisp. Politics.

They knew that the world was more divided than a pizza at a weight watchers meeting, so they decided to take their partnership to the next level and ran for the presidency of the United States – a team ticket, promising clear heads and clean politics, something as unheard of as their non-alcoholic beer was when they first brewed it.

America, tired of the usual political song and dance, decided to give these brewmasters a shot. They elected them, splitting the presidency like a bar tab. They won by a landslide, and on Inauguration Day, they raised a toast with their non-alcoholic brew and vowed to run the country like they ran their company: with clarity, camaraderie, and a commitment to quality.

So there you have it, folks. The story of how two non-alcoholic beer brewers turned moon tourists, became co-presidents of the United States. As crazy as it sounds, it’s all true. Well, as true as anything can be in this topsy-turvy world of ours.

In the end, they showed us all that you don’t need alcohol to have a good time, or even to run a country. And, in a weird, roundabout way, they also proved that George Carlin was right. “When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.” Well, grab your popcorn and non-alcoholic beer, because the show’s just getting started.

Hops & Giggles Part 1: A Journey Through the Hop-less Wasteland of Sobriety

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